(no subject)

[supremesaikou]

... I think this Saikou-sama might have a lot to think about.

[Private]

... Last night was... Certainly different. Different, different, different. I don't remember exactly what happened... I think a part of it was a shock to this Saikou-sama, after all.

I remember that cute girl... Strange one, going and dueling me. Kept getting odd thoughts during it... About how I never make any of the food... About how I don't have a child... About how I'm not completely female... Strange, strange, strange thoughts!

And then they... Turned into that horrible being? And I think something else. That part seemed blanked out, quite odd, quite odd. Noriko-sama was there. She seemed almost nice, and then...

That horrible being appeared again. I remember feeling like everything was plastic... That I was just a doll... Just for Noriko-sama. Just for Allen... Just a doll... Them talking about how I don't have any "sense of self". What would they mean by that, anyway!? I have more than enough sense of self! After all, I would be... Acting or thinking the way I do, if I didn't have anything like that, but...

... I think they might have started dueling at some point. I remember being dragged, and waking up basically standing on the field. Facing him. I still felt odd, but... There was a odd sort of power. It was almost comforting. Even though that horrible being was the one who was giving the commands... I almost liked it. Being able to destroy in a hit. ... And then there's the fact that the way they did it, I also got to look more feminine. Sure, the parts just seemed... Fake.

But they were a lot more than what I had. Noriko-sama even noticed me touching where I did have those hips... How embarrassing.

... And then of course during the duel, that heroism-obsessed idiot went and killed me so many times... Using Honest three times... I really have to wonder what was going through their mind. What if that actually killed me, seeing as it was me...?! What would he have done, going and destroying me for the sake of "saving" me?!

This is why that heroism nonsense is just that...

... Maybe I should kick him out of bed tonight.

... At the least, now because of all of this writing... I might actually remember what went and happened.

Comments

[thefifthmonarch.livejournal.com]

Such as?

[supremesaikou.livejournal.com]

... Just... Many things. I think I might have become too... Self-conscious.

[thefifthmonarch.livejournal.com]

Oh?

[supremesaikou.livejournal.com]

... I keep thinking and focusing on... Silly, silly, silly things. Petty things, vain things of that sort, of course! But I... Keep kinda focusing on my own body. And how it isn't more feminine, like it was... Before.

[thefifthmonarch.livejournal.com]

We can always use surgery. I'd be willing to foot the bill if it's that important.

[Private to Saicchan]
Really? You were a really cute treat, dear. But... I won't do a thing if you don't want to.

[supremesaikou.livejournal.com]

It'snotthatimportantdon'tworry.

[Private to Noriko-sama]

... I'm not sure if I'd... Want it to happen, though. I've become attached to my physical appearance, but this Saikou-sama still doesn't feel like it's enough. And whenever things go and happen to prod at it, I just feel worse about myself.

... Of course, it doesn't help that I know that the idiot would prefer it if I were more... Obviously physically female...

[thefifthmonarch.livejournal.com]

Alright.

[Private to Saicchan]
Pffft.

Allen's a pervert. But... he doesn't seem the sort to force you, sweety.

[Private to Noriko-sama]

[supremesaikou.livejournal.com]

... He isn't! But he's very obviously more... Preferential to that form! He even had an entire collection that he went and hid from me! You know how horrible I felt see that and then remember that I used to at least match up to that?!

Re: [Private to Noriko-sama]

[thefifthmonarch.livejournal.com]

Saicchan.

I have a collection like that. And most guys have one like that.

Re: [Private to Noriko-sama]

[supremesaikou.livejournal.com]

.... you... what?

Re: [Private to Noriko-sama]

[thefifthmonarch.livejournal.com]

?.? I'm a lesbian.

I like girls.

I like girls with sexy figures.

Thus I have a collection like that.

Re: [Private to Noriko-sama]

[supremesaikou.livejournal.com]

... I'm not sure of what to think, about my mother having a collection like his...

... B... But then you already see what I'm basically being compared to, in his own preferences!

Re: [Private to Noriko-sama]

[thefifthmonarch.livejournal.com]

That your mother is a sexually healthy, mentally well adjusted woman?

The only difference between you and then is they have more milk and can carry more children in their wombs.

Re: [Private to Noriko-sama]

[supremesaikou.livejournal.com]

... Then why is it that I'm the one who feels like the lesser being?!

Re: [Private to Noriko-sama]

[thefifthmonarch.livejournal.com]

Society scolds you for not being big hipped, big chested, and small waisted? ?.?

Re: [Private to Noriko-sama]

[supremesaikou.livejournal.com]

... But I don't really listen to society! I've never had someone specifically tell me to be like that!

... Though that does not discount any thoughts that go through my head at odd times, or the fact that I dream about it, as well...

Re: [Private to Noriko-sama]

[thefifthmonarch.livejournal.com]

It's more the ads of society.

... You dream about it?

Re: [Private to Noriko-sama]

[supremesaikou.livejournal.com]

... The ads? Nonsense, it's not like I pay attention to those much...

... More specifically, when odd dreams happen, that's how this Saikou-sama... Tends to look.

Re: [Private to Noriko-sama]

[thefifthmonarch.livejournal.com]

...

I see.

You have me confused, dear.

Re: [Private to Noriko-sama]

[supremesaikou.livejournal.com]

... You don't think I don't already confuse myself?!

Re: [Private to Noriko-sama]

[thefifthmonarch.livejournal.com]

We can be confused together?

Re: [Private to Noriko-sama]

[supremesaikou.livejournal.com]

... Of course! Of course, of course we can.

Re: [Private to Noriko-sama]

[thefifthmonarch.livejournal.com]

So, would you like to talk about any of this in detail? If you don't, that's cool.

Re: [Private to Noriko-sama]

[supremesaikou.livejournal.com]

... In detail? What in particular, specifically?

Re: [Private to Noriko-sama]

[thefifthmonarch.livejournal.com]

Whatever is concerning you.

Re: [Private to Noriko-sama]

[supremesaikou.livejournal.com]

... I just feel like I'm "lesser" for not looking a certain way, that's all. ... And for some reason I got the sudden thought of wanting to have a child last night but I think I got dragged into one of those weird nonsense dark games...

But that's really it that's... Specifically bothering me, it isn't like there's anything that could be explained in detail! After all, it's just some... Mmff, shallow desires, that's all. Wanting to look like that...

Re: [Private to Noriko-sama]

[thefifthmonarch.livejournal.com]

...

Most. Bizarre. Dark game. Ever.

Hey, there's nothing wrong with wanting to look a certain way.

Re: [Private to Noriko-sama]

[supremesaikou.livejournal.com]

... It was very bizarre, really. ... Though I have to wonder what logic that person was working under, thinking that I should already have a child. I've only had this body for... Six months... ... What a messed up half-year.

But it still doesn't mean that it isn't shallow, or have anything deeper than just a shattered sense of self-confidence or some nonsense yearning for how I used to look...

Re: [Private to Noriko-sama]

[thefifthmonarch.livejournal.com]

Well, I do wish you and Allen would have children. Or you and Suzume.

You don't think I don't wish I could still be 16?

Re: [Private to Noriko-sama]

[supremesaikou.livejournal.com]

... T... That would be... Alright, in future, this Saikou-sama guesses. I mean, after all, m... Y... Suzume doesn't even speak that much, anyway, so that would take longer, regardless.

... That's something a bit different. That is "youth", while mine is just... Physical form. ... In fact, isn't that monster a bit older than my listed age...?

Re: [Private to Noriko-sama]

[thefifthmonarch.livejournal.com]

So talk to her? And good!

I think so?

Re: [Private to Noriko-sama]

[supremesaikou.livejournal.com]

I will! I will.

Considering that it was the body they have, that I was in, when I looked like that, then I'd still be remembering the older body. So it would be different, different, different.

Re: [Private to Noriko-sama]

[thefifthmonarch.livejournal.com]

And? What about it being different?

Re: [Private to Noriko-sama]

[supremesaikou.livejournal.com]

... Nevermind. I lost my point somewhere.

It's still a bit... Vain that I do want to look like that. Especially when I was "perfection"... Mff.

Re: [Private to Noriko-sama]

[thefifthmonarch.livejournal.com]

Hey, perfection doesn't mean a thing.

Besides, I think it might be better for everyone involved if you eventually choose one set of genitals over the other, dear.

Re: [Private to Noriko-sama]

[supremesaikou.livejournal.com]

... Mmf... Perhaps. ... I can just imagine Allen's expression if they ever really had it hit them...

Re: [Private to Noriko-sama]

[thefifthmonarch.livejournal.com]

?.?

Re: [Private to Noriko-sama]

[supremesaikou.livejournal.com]

... If we... Ever, uh... Did certain things, how do you expect him to react to the fact that I am biologically, erm... Both?

Re: [Private to Noriko-sama]

[thefifthmonarch.livejournal.com]

Re: [Private to Noriko-sama]

[supremesaikou.livejournal.com]

... ... Yeah, that would probably be appropriate expressions. Mmmmmfff...

Re: [Private to Noriko-sama]

[thefifthmonarch.livejournal.com]

Unless you want him to be reprogrammed to be gay.

Re: [Private to Noriko-sama]

[supremesaikou.livejournal.com]

Nononothatisn'tnecessary.

Re: [Private to Noriko-sama]

[thefifthmonarch.livejournal.com]

Remember, ask mommy for anything.

Re: [Private to Noriko-sama]

[supremesaikou.livejournal.com]

... Alright. Hopefully I'll end up at least deciding on something like that... Mff.